Wesker the Idiot
by Weebl
Summary: Wesker rebuilds umbrella. Or does he?
1. Foreward

_This is a parody of one of my most favorite characters. If you can read you would already have known who it is, if not, you're an idiot. My last Resident Evil fan fiction didn't do too good. Maybe because I didn't update it much; nobody didn't review it and it was written badly and it had a black man in It. To this day I don't know why it was doing so damn bad. What the fudge are you doing? Go and read it. Idiot, and yes that's a Walt Disney font, Is that a problem? Also the beginning of the first chapter is a spoiler, if you haven't beat the mini game in RE4, Assignment Ada, then…I can't say don't read it. After you read it brainwash yourself then go back to playing RE4 if you haven't yet beat it. And your and idiot if you haven't, what are you doing? Go play it if you haven't beaten it yet. What an idiot._


	2. Thinking

Chapter 1

As the flight continued Wesker continued to laugh, Ada looked out the window trying her best to ignore the laughing, it went on for 2 hours so far. Ada grit her teeth and started to grind them, she put her fingers into her ears and shut her eyes, hugging her knees. Wesker watched her do this and laughed even louder just because she did that.

"WESKER!"

He stopped.

"Please stop, its giving me a headache"

A vein popped in wesker's rather large forehead. He held a deep breath then screamed.

"LISTEN HERE, I'M THE ONE THAT'S GOING TO REBUILD UMBRELLA, YOU GOT TO HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR ME. I'M THE HEAD OF UMBRELLA NOT YOU HAVE SOME DAMN RESPECT!"

Ada put her fingers out her ear and looked back out the window. Wesker didn't keep his eyes of her and pouted. Then he said.

"When you get back, you're getting spanked."

The helicopter landed on a heliport ontop of a building. Ada stepped out then the chopper flew off. Ada looked down the building and noted that she was quite high, and the setting of it was empty. Literally there was nothing but a desert. Ada went into the roof door, it was an elevater. She pressed the button of the floor that Wesker was on. Ada looked up the elevator and it had a lot of floors, 97 actually. She thought how could anyone reach floor 97? The doors opened and Wesker was right there wearing a bondage suit and hitting a whip on his hand. Ada shivered.

After the spanking session Ada rubbed her ass as it burned. She took a seat on a table that was very wide. Wesker was on the other side. A man in a tucedo came to her and gave her a phone, she picked it up.

"I hope we don't have to do that again my dear"

"Right, but I didn't really do—"

"HUSH, Now….Lets think, how are we going to rebuild umbrella the fast way? We can…Use the sample.."

Ada contined for him

"To control people to make underground labs around the US"

"No, I was thinking we could use the sample to control people to make us cakes and rob banks to get us money to buy more pie"

"Sir, I think it would be much more—"

The man in the tuxedo picked up the phone, and listened to Weskers words. He then slapped her and gave the phone back.

"BITCH, That's what you get for thinking differently than your grand master, Now say sorry!"

Ada sighed.

"Sorry"

"That's right. Ok then lets control people, lets start with tux man"

Wesker put down the phone and shot a egg into the man with the tuxedo's neck. He fell down, then stood back up.

"Ow, that hurt quit a lot. I implore you, please don't do that again"

He got shot again in his arm, it fell down as if there was no more nerves in it along with his neck.

"Sir, I don't want to become one of—"

He got shot in his head and fell down.

Ada store at him.

"Ow, I think my brain is about to go into-"

He got shot in the ass this time and stopped talking. Wesker stood up and looked at the man about to shoot again. He stood up and took a bow at Wesker. Wesker smiled and started to laugh again. Ada sighed and put plugs in her ear and put her head down as Wesker continued to laugh onto the night.


	3. Dreams

_This little note is especially made for _Link-luvr _evidentially you cannot take a joke so therefore I call you an idiot, Idiot. On with the story._

Wesker was inside his very large office, larger than his one is the crummy stupid S.T.A.R.S office, he was writing down his plans to take over the world using the Las Plagas sample. First he was going to inject it into a bird, then it would poop inside someone's mouth then that person would puke into a sewer then all the rats inside it would infect everyone else until the whole world would follow his orders. But then he thought what if the bird didn't crap into someone mouth? He crumbled the paper and threw it behind him into a large pile of crumpled papers. He grabbed his intercom and yelled into it.

"ADA GET INTO MY OFFICE NOW!"

Another one of Ada's eardrums burst, she went up the stairs because the elevator music would make her die. She went into his office and took the mile walk all the way to him.

"Yes sir?"

"I need you to help me make plans for ruling the world with the Las Plagas sample"

"Why don't you inject it into a bird then it will poop in a guys mouth—"

"NO!"

Wesker slapped her and she flew down to the other end of the mile long table.

"Oops" Said Wesker

He forgot he had super duper muscle powers of doom. He zipped over to her with his super duper leg muscle powers of doom. She stopped breathing and her eyes rolled back into her skull, or at least one did, the other one popped out and brains were coming out of her eye socket. Wesker picked her up and raised her into the air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He screamed. Then he woke up. He was covered in cold sweat and panting a lot. He opened his window it was sunny outside. He smiled and stood up.

"I think I feel a song coming up!"

He put slammed his hand down onto the table and his clothing jumped into the air, he jumped to and spinned around and he wore all his clothing. He put on his vintage sunglasses and grinned his teeth shining.

"It's a bright and sunny dayyy"

He opened the door and the sunlight from the window shined down on him.

"I feel its going to be a brand new dayyy"

He jumped on the rail of the stairs and grinded down it, being hit multiple timed in the head and nuts.

"Tonight it the night!"

He landed on the floor after the long, swirling flight of stairs and cracked the floor, causing Ada to wake up in the basement. Wesker put his hands on his hips and yelled with a powerful voice.

"I won't go without a fight that's right!"

Outside all the birds died because of his powerfully stinky breath, he stepped with the rhythm to his office to make the plans of the most ingenious plan to take over the world.

Inside his office Elton John was carried down by birds magnificently playing the piano. With his lovely voice he sang.

"It's a bright and sunny dayyy, It feel its going to be a brand new dayyy, tonight is the night! I won't go without a fight that's right! Oooooo tonight, Ohhhh its right, ooo tonight is right for love, loveedy love love Fuck fuck fuck, mother mother fuck, mother mother fuck fuck, mother fuck, mother fuck, noinch noinch noinch, 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, noinch noinch noinch, smokin weed, smokin weed, doin coke, drinkin beer, drinking beer, beer, beer. rolling fatties, smoking blunts, who smokes the blunt? we smoke the blunt, rollin blunts and smoking weed...15 bucks little man, put that shit in my hand, if that money doesn't show then you'll owe me, owe me, owe, Bow chicka WOW WOWWWW"

Wesker then spinned and grabbed his crotch, thrusting it into the air then pulling out a gun from his pants shooting Elton John in the head. The birds carrying him off and then Wesker jumped on his mile long desk then moon walking down to the other side. He took a seat then called the president, he chit chatted with his for a while then injected a Las Plagas sample into the phone line then the president got infected. The president then did a speech and coughed, all the people then got infected then in a matter of 30 seconds Wesker ruled the world. With Ada by his side he laughed and said

"Pinch me I must be dreaming!"

Ada did then he woke up.


	4. Soda

Wesker was melted on the couch, his eyes fixed on his television which was roughly 12 inches. He took a drink of his soda and crumbled it up into a perfect cube and threw it behind him into the pile that stretched as far as the eye could see. Then like a bolt of lightning he stood up and held his crotch. He didn't notice until now that he was drinking a lot of soda and he has to piss pretty badly. So he ran to the bathroom, only he forgot where it was. So he zipped to the nearest intercom and yelled into it.

"Soldiers! Where is the bathroom damn it!"

"Theres no more soldiers left sir, you killed them all"

"Then who are you?"

". . . .I don't know sir"

"Ok, then wheres the bathroom?"

"You never built one"

He threw down the intercom and it shattered into pieces, some of them piercing into his body, he didn't care he had to piss really badly and he couldn't do it here. The walls had ears… He zipped to the basement and couldn't find Ada anywhere. He pouted his lip and crossed his arms, he ran outside, but he couldn't, there were no doors into the building because he didn't want anyone to come in. He built this place so he didn't have to get out, but he forgot some stuff evidentially. He took a step back and ran into the wall, hoping he would be able to break through.

He woke up on a stretcher and looked around, there was nobody around, he was wearing nothing but Fruit of the Loom. He stood up, ripping the needles off of him and tried to get out the room but there were no doors into the place. So he tried to jump through the mirror.

He woke up on another stretcher and noticed he has a lot of cuts on his body, this time he seen one person, the Doctor. He stood up and asked the Doctor something.

"Where am I?

"A room where you heal from the stuff you did some 3 weeks ago"

"I was asleep for 3 weeks?"

"No, I just wanted it to sound dramatic"

Wesker walked out the room, the Doctor was on the floor headless. Wesker then stopped and felt it. That feeling you get when you have to dooky and pee pee at the same time. He zipped to the roof of the building and did his business where I will not put into words in this Fan Fiction. He walked down the stairs and seen Ada. Ada's eyes then exploded because Wesker forgot his Fruit of the Loom's on the roof. Wesker walked right past her and into his office; in there he put on his clothing and took a seat in his chair. He pulled the rope next to him and a bird in a cage fell in front of him. He took out a sample of the Las Plagas and injected into the bird. He took it and walked to the roof, stepping over Ada on the way. He opened the cage and held it into the air. He waited a while for the bird to fly off, but it didn't. He looked into the cage and the bird just sat there, he held it over the roof's ledge and started to shake the cage. The bird fell down, all the way down to the floor and died. Wesker dropped the cage as well and then felt a sting in his neck, he took whatever was in his neck out, it was a tranquillizer dart. He then zipped into the building getting shot with 2 more right on the ass on the way.

He tried to run into the office. Windows were crashing above him and ropes were coming down with some high tech looking people. He then kicked it into high gear and used his super duper powers to run really fast into the office. He tripped and started to fall at really fast speeds, he hit the floor and started to roll. Getting shot with a lot of darts on the way. He crashed into the doors of his office, hit the mile long table. He shook his head and shut the door, giving it a lock.

"Now nobody can get in!"

He said this with a grin, he turned around and got shot with 50 darts simultaneously. He fell to the floor, flopping around like a fish out of water. The leader of the group stepped up and said.

"Take him to the base…we have something we want with our dear Wesker…"

Wesker woke up on a chair with all his clothing on. In front of him was some old guy.

"Wesker, I have something for you"

He reached into his pocket as if he was about to take out a gun, Wesker was sweating like a fat man listening to phone sex. The man pullet out a wallet and gave it to him.

"You forgot that at the strip club the other day"

"Oh thanks"

Wesker took it and walked to home base.


	5. Intruder

Wesker came out of the newly installed bathroom smiling walking with his head held high looking to the sky watching the birds flying by and he waves hi. He then tripped and his face landed in some doo doo. He stood up and wiped his face and the rest of the poop was burned off his face because he was in rage. Steam came out his ears and he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"ADA!"

Every window in the building broke and Ada zipped down from the 50th floor to the 1st floor where Wesker was. Wesker put his hands behind his back and looked at her with an expression that made Ada scared. He pointed down at the doo doo and said with a calm voice.

"Ada what is this?"

Ada looked at him and down at the doo doo and a shiver went up her body.

"I believe that its poop sir"

"And were does poop come from?"

Ada paused for a minute and blink

"From an asshole sir"

"And whose asshole did it come from?"

Ada shrugged her shoulders. Out the corner of Weskers eye he saw one of his soldiers. He held up a finger and told him to come here. The soldier did and saluted him.

"Sir!"

"What is your name child?" Asked Wesker.

"Paul Sir!"

"Well Paul. . ."

Wesker pointed at the poop

"What is that?"

Paul looked down at the poop and thought a second.

"WAITTTT Don't tells me…..Uh… DON'T TELL ME I know this. . .Uhh…"

Paul started to drool and thought.

"I KNOW! IT'S POOP!"

Wesker gave him a Dog bone and Paul ate it.

"Good boy, now eat it"

Paul went on his knees and started to chow down on the doo doo. Ada puked; Wesker looked left and right and whispered to Ada.

"It was actually mine"

Ada looked at Wesker with a disgusting look on her face as Wesker laughed. Ada went back up to the roof to try to kill herself again. Wesker walked to his office and put his hand on the knob and noticed it was locked. He waited a second and knew he didn't lock his door…He continued to turn the knob and curse under his breath. He took a step back and started to ram the door.

_Meanwhile_

"Hey man let me get a hit of that. . ." He said silently.

Eddie took a little puff and handed it over to him, He smiled and took a long drag and blew smoke into the air. He then looked out the window, they were pretty close to the base, He waited for something like this for a long long time, He wanted revenge for all the evil things he did and soon he would get it. After getting high of course. He yelled to the pilot.

"OI! How much longer?"

"Were here actually, See yaw"

The pilot pressed a red button and a hatch opened under Eddie and Him. The both fell from 3 miles above the base. He took the last drag and started to cough a bit and let go of the joint and it flew above him. Little did he know that there was a gas leak on the helicopter and it exploded above him. He looked up and shrugged, the pilot owed him 20 bucks. He looked to Eddie and said.

"Open chute!"

He did but Eddie didn't, and he fell down on top of the bases roof. Ksplat. He landed on top of the roof and looked left and right nobody around…He looked down and noticed that he was on top of a ceiling window. He jumped and crashed down into a rather long room, only thing that was there was a Table that seemed to stretch on forever. He looked behind him and seen a door, he creaked it open to peek out and seen him . . . WESKER. He silently but quickly closed the door and locked it. He then ran down to the other end of the table and started to pant. It was a lot longer that he thought, he looked down and seen a folder that said "Plan" he opened It and read it.

"Since when did Wesker become an idiot?"

He put the book down and took his custom silver revolver out; Engraved in it was his name. Chris Redfield.


	6. PEN15

Wesker continued to slam his shoulder into the door but it wouldn't open, hard to believe a super duper powerful man like him can't knock down a door. He pouted and threw a fit like a child would. He then felt something in his breast pocket he took it out and it was a berretta. He aimed it at the door knob and shot it off he ran to it and slipped on a banana peel and slid into the door busting it open. Sitting up he shook his head and made a note to himself to get rid of the monkey. He looked around and seen nothing, maybe because the room was 3 miles long or he was just retarded. Either way he zipped to the other side and seen nobody. He turned around and looked to the floor as he heard HIM.

"Albert Wesker!"

"So you finally came Chris"

"Yes and I'm going to kill you for. . ."

Wesker turned around to face Chris as Chris was thinking of a good reason.

"Because. . . . Uh . . . . For stealing Sherry, for leading us into that terrible mansion, for all the bull spit that you did!"

Wesker thought bull spit? Is that the best he could come up with? Wesker got an idea.

"You want your precious Sherry?"

He said this as he walked backwards to a curtain; he put his hand on a string that obviously made the curtain open.

"Here she is"

He pulled the string and Chris puked. Wesker looked puzzled and turned around to see Sherry's corpse with maggots and flies and all the bull spit.

"Oh I guess I forgot to feed her. Oh well either way it is the end for you my friend!"

Wesker did some super cool poses of his karate skills his masters taught him in the 4 corners of the world. Chris shot his kneecap and Wesker fell down holding his knee in pain.

"OW, WHAT THE HELL MAN! We were supposed to duke it out karate style!"

Chris shot his other kneecap.

"OWIE, OH NOES could this be the end of WESKER!"

Chris smiled and said.

"No, I'm going to make you pay for what you did, slowly and painfully"

Wesker gasped.

"GASP! NO! I don't want to get butt fucked!"

"No that's not what I meant I mean"

Before Chris could finish Wesker shot him in his heart and he fell down.

"GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Wesker was victorious so he called upon Ada on his walkie talkie.

"Ada I need help in my office over"

"Yes sir Ill be on my way"

"Hey you're supposed to say over when you're done over"

"Why"

"Because I said sooo over"

"No"

Wesker cried in an annoying high pitch

"Alright! Over"

"Good over"

Wesker then laid back and waited for Ada to come by, he looked at his ceiling window and seen the clouds and he smiled. Then Chris blocked his view.

"HEY! You died"

"Nuh Uh I got a vest on"

"Oh. . ."

Wesker shot him in the head this time and he fell down dead. Wesker lay back again and looked at the clouds. He smiled and shut his eyes and went to sleep faster than you could say I am sofa king wee todd ed.

Wesker opened his eyes and noticed he was looking at the sky, he sat up and seen nothing but a straight road far as the eye could see. A tumbleweed rolled by him and he held up and thumb and hitchhiked. He blinked and realized that he had super fast speed. So he zipped back to his lair and noticed one thing was wrong with it. It wasn't there and he knew that the large circle where it used to be had nothing to do with it. He saw an elevator with a guard in front of it. Wesker walked up to the elevator to press ze button but the guard stopped him.

"Password" said da guard.

"I don't know it"

"That's too bad"

"What's too bad?"

"That you don't know the password"

"What's the password?"

"Volcano"

"Thanks"

"No problem"

"Volcano"

The guard stepped out of the way then shot himself in the head. Wesker pressed the up button and waited for it to come. It came then he stepped in and pressed the down button and went all da way down. He looked out the window and seen more guards than he knew he hired. What was going on? He looked up and seen a camera in the corner.

_Meanwhile_

He took a long and hard drag of the Cuban cigar and in one puff finished it. He let out a long breath and filled the room with smoke. He held out his hand to Evil Chris and said

"5 dollars now"

Evil Chris started to shiver and said.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I"

"Spit it out"

Evil Chris then spit the worm out his mouth and said.

"I don't have the money"

"Well then you owe me bitch"

"OK!"

Evil Chris smiled and looked up to him as a role model, Evil Chris knew that he could annihilate him with one pinky but he still looked up to him, His mentor BILLY COEN! Billy took a glimpse at the camera and seen Wesker. He growled and screamed into the intercom

"MAN YOUR STATION RED ALERT RED ALERT! WE HAVE AN INTRUDER IN THE VICINITY! CODE PEN15!"

"Code Pen15 sir?" Asked Evil Chris

"Yes. . . It's when an intruder that we don't know enters the womb. It could have been easily called code red or code blue but I am a pervert"


	7. Ice Cold Beer

_Warning: This chapter has super action._

Wesker heard the sounds . . . the sounds of a chainsaw. He looked up and the elevator was being cut into. A hole was made and a grenade was thrown down, Wesker picked it up and threw it back up and it exploded. Wesker then knew this was a stupid mistake because the wires that were running the elevator broke. He screamed as he fell down, all the way down. The glass in the elevator cracked and Wesker had a plan, he hit the window with his head and he felt his skull crack. He hurt then used his fist to punch it, his hand broke, he hurt again and used his foot and it broke as well. He screamed and the glass broke entirely. He jumped through and then noticed that this was the 2nd stupid mistake he made because he wasn't at the bottom floor so he fell down and broke his ribcage. He grunted and stood up anyway, his adrenaline was way too high to worry about the agonizing pain of broken body parts and still using them.

Evil Wesker blood ran through his veins and noticed that there was a large circle of soldiers in perfect symmetry then the all held up their Colt 45's and shot, Wesker ducked and all their bullets shot the person across from them in the head, what do you know. He stood up and noticed one of them was alive, but barely. He walked up the him and pulled him up by his collar.

"Who did this?"

The soldier screamed and said.

"PEN15!"

Wesker looked puzzled and said

"Who did this?"

"PEN15 PEN15 PEN15 PEN15 PEN15 PEN15"

Then he let out his last breath then died. Wesker let him go then noticed a sign and it read.

"This is not the way to the person who did this, DO NOT GO THIS WAY"

Wesker laughed and went that way and opened the door and went into the room, the door behind him shut and then locked. He looked infront of him and a wall of sharp spiked were closing in on him. There was text on the wall and it read.

"Told you not to go this way"

Wesker looked for an opening but there was nothing; he put his back on the wall and had to think quickly.

_Meanwhile_

Billy looked at the screen showing Wesker about to die.

"Yes. . . I never met you and I have no reason to kill you but who cares it a plot, Heh heh. . ."

Evil Chris finished his Ice cold Beer and burped.

"Who are you talking to sir?" Asked Evil Chris

"STFU"

"Stfu? What does that mean?"

"Shut up you /\/00b"

"Noob? What is that?"

A pair of veins popped in Billy's five head and he looked pretty pissed off. Foam came out of his mouth, his eyes because bloodshot red and his teeth were grinding together. He shut his eyes real tight and farted.

"OH GOD YES. . . . Sweetest relief"

Evil Chris's nose fell off and what you all just seen happened in a matter of seconds because Wesker is still alive.

"He is still alive" asked Billy as he stared at the screen

"Yup"

Evil Chris took a closer look at Wesker and smiled because he would see him die his deserve able death, slow and hard. . . Evil Chris put his hand on the big red button that said STOP to rest his body. The spikes then stopped and the feeling that Billy had could not be put into words.

"Why did I put that button there?" Asked Billy

"Not my fault"

Billy walked out the room with Chris's head in his hand and ran into the sub level's where his final plan would be put in place. . .

Wesker noticed that the wall stopped he walked to it and found out it was just foam. He busted through it and seen another sign reading.

"This is the way to the sub levels were the final plan will not be put into place"

Wesker zipped into the sub levels and looked around, but he couldn't because it was really dark. Then lights came on making Wesker cover his eyes. A laugh rang in Wesker's ears and he knew that that was not a person he knew. He looked to see some guy sitting onto of what just so happened to be a giant pencil. Now I know some of the readers are perverts but he is sitting on the eraser and don't ask how he balanced it on the point.

"MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA, Wesker welcome to MY base!"

"Hey, Its not your its mine"

"No its not"

"Yes it is"

"No its not"

"Yes it is"

". . . . Hey I will now tell you how I plan to dominate the world with this pencil, I will scribble all over the world and everyone will die from lead poisoning!"

"How will you pick it up? What happens if the lead breaks? What if it's not enough? What if P Diddy is gay?"

Billy's head exploded.

Wesker was victorious. But he heard another laugh behind him.

"Hahahah So you have beaten Billy, but you have yet to face ME!"

Wesker turned around and gasped.

"GASP! Its you!"

"Yes its me!"

". . .Wait, who are you?"

"I am me"

"Ok"

Wesker thought a bit and wondered what happened to Ada and what do you know right under his feet was a note reading.

"Dear Wesker,

We have Ada and we are going to kill her for no apparent reason if you don't come her and Wesker her all cool like and kill everyone of us and I hate plastic surgeons.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

P.S. HAHAHAH YOU THOUGHT WE WOULD REVEAL WHO WE ARE PAH!

Wesker crumbled up the letter and jumped into the bed and went to sleep. He didn't need Ada nor cared about her all he wanted was to eat all the Pie in the world and sleep and get money. But he would soon find out the grass is always greener.


	8. H E double chicken wings

_This note has nothing to do with this but it's my fiction and I can do whatever I want: GO SEE WAR OF THE WORLDS NOW._

Wesker woke up and remembered something that he forgot some time ago, but he couldn't have forgot it if he had already remembered it so he got up from his bed and smiled at the sun as it smiled and shined down at him through the window. Birds busted out the window, some of them died on the way in but they carried him out of bed and onto his feet. Then Bambi rammed the door open and gave him a ride down the steps then tripped and died in the process. At the bottom of the stairs Baloo the bear fell from the roof and right through the ground. Wesker jumped over the hole and ran towards his office and tripped on Sebastian and crashed into King Louie throwing the orangutan into the pit of alligators. Wesker jumped over the pit and landed infront of his office's doors. He opened it and inside were a lot of dead ants that were colored blue. He zipped over to the curtain and opened it, Sherry's corpse was gone and replaced by a scary monkey.

"That monkey. . ." said Wesker.

The monkey growled.

"Obviously the people who stole Ada also stole stole Sherry for a reason but why her corpse? Why all the dead Disney characters? Why am I talking to myself?"

Wesker knew what he must do! He took off his glasses and the sun shined down on him, he looked up at the celing mirror and jumped right through the window. He fell on the roof in agony as most of the glass shards pierced into his body and drew some blood. He stood up after a few hours when the sun went down and the sky was blood red. He jumped off the roof and landed on the ground, he fell over in complete pain because he fell off a very tall building. He stood up after a few more hours and zipped forward with his super speed.

After a few days of running he stopped.

"Where the hell am I going? I don't know where they are. I'm such an Idiot."

The sky instantly turned grey and thunder and lightning came out of the sky, then a figure came down from the lightning but Wesker couldn't tell because of all the dust. When I cleared it was something that Wesker never imagned it would be. A LEMUR.

"You finally understand Wesker" said da Lemur.

"OMG How do you know my name? How did you do that? How can you talk? Why is the sky grey-"

Before Wesker could finish the Lemur used its Phycic abilites to bitch slap him.

"Quiet bitch. Now the reason why I came is because you finally admitted that most obvious thing in the universe your stupidity. I have been watching you carefully to see when you were in need of help and you need it now the most and stuff"

"Watching me? Help? Your? What are you talking about?"

"I have made a path for you to follow that is the way to the place In which you are going"

A long line in pink instantly appeared as far as Wesker could see.

"Who are you?"

"I am god"

"God?"

"God"

"You're a Lemur?"

"No, I can take many forms"

"So you came as a Lemur"

"Is that a problem?"

"No"

"Good now go"

Wesker followed the line. God crossed his arms and gave a wicked smile, then laughed in a Über low voice and flames surrounded him and a hole appeared below him and he fell in.

Meanwhile in the depths of HELL

Satan was reading a book about Fluffy bunnies and giggled and laughed. He seen one of his henchmen coming and put a cover with the numbers 666 on covering the cover of the bunnies.

"Your horibbleness someone wants to sell his soul" said da Henchman.

"Excellent"

Satan stood up and felt his back crack.

"Owie! I need to work out more often"

"Yes you do"

The henchman desinegrated and Satan went up to earth to whomever was selling his soul. Satan appeared infront of a being.

"Satan! My saviour you have come! You have finally come!"

"SILENCE! Pathetic human. What do you want?"

"I want to get rid of the evil Bastard Wesker!"

"Ok theres a lot of Weskers which one"

"The one that's comeing here"

"OK!"

Satan went to the Wesker that was going there.

This is where before the meanwhile goes and ends were he goes back to hell 

Satan went back to reading the book about the fluffy litte bunnies.

Meanwhile

Wesker stopped and so did the line. He looked around and seen nothing, then the sand started to cave into large hole. It stopped and Wesker peeked in. Something came out and Wesker was thrown back, he shook his head and seen a rather large sand demon. He stood up and wondered.

"I wonder what on t.v."


	9. Death

_Before I begin I have to do something._

_My brother is making a fiction about Resident Evil as well and he wants me to promote his story because he did the same thing to me. The story is about a colored survivor trying to survive raccoon city. So if you want to stop laughing and get scared go to his fiction, its called The Survivor and the title already tells the story's ending, the story Is located in the Games, Resident Evil, Rated M, and probably on the first page. Cheers. Oh and this chapter begins in a different perspective._

He held his pistol close to his chest as he walked down the hall, the long hall that seemed to last forever when it was really just a 18 feet long. He came to a halt in front of the bosses door, took a deep breathe then let it out. He knocked on the door and then a raspy voice answered.

"Come in"

He opened the door and couldn't see a thing.

"Shut the door you fool."

He shut it and smelled something burning.

"What's that smell boss?"

"I'm cooking hamburgers, want one?"

"Ok"

"Idiot, it's my skin, you know I hate the light"

At this time he flipped the switch on and the boss hissed and put his cape over his head.

"Oh sorry..!"

He flipped the switch and the boss threw a book at his head, seeing as he was wearing a helmet he didn't really feel anything. The boss was always fine until it came here, then it started to lose its hair and losing its teeth and its skin became pale and its pupil turned into a slit like a cat would. Of course he noticed all of this within a second of turning on the light.

"So what do you want?" Hissed the boss.

"Well, I came for a raise"

"A raise? Why should I give you one?"

"Because I get paid 3 pies a day and I do most of the work here"

"Fine, you get 3 ½ pies now leave me"

"But"

"Leave"

"But I have something to say"

". . .What?"

He farted.

"HEHEHEHEHEHEHE"

He then jumped out of the room.

_And now the perspective of the Boss._

I turned in my chair and grinned as I knew that Wesker would not be able to find my base at all, and Satan would be able to get rid of anything because he is all powerful. I laughed and prayed, prayed that whatever Satan has cooked up worked.

_And now Wesker_

Wesker watched the sand demon fall back into the sand because it was just that, sand. He pondered and wondered where to go next . . .Maybe the base was not even in America maybe it's in…. Wesker gasped and zipped to his local library. He used the internet to go to and ordered tickets to Alaska. He waited outside the library and the tickets came to him from the sky. He picked up the package and it read Air Mail. He opened them and there were the tickets. He zipped to the airport and his plane was already boarding. He took a seat in his luxuries seat in 1st class. He relaxed and fell back in his seat to go to sleep. A moment later, which was really 3 hours because that's how fast time goes when you sleep, Wesker felt a drip of water on his face. He woke up and wiped it off he looked up to see a child drooling at him from the seat in front of him. He frowned and pushed the child back into the seat. He tried to go back to sleep and couldn't because the bowling alley was way too loud he put his some of the earplugs that the plane provided. Somebody then pulled them out; he looked up to see one of those bitches that push the cart to give you food.

"Sir Do you want some peanuts?"

"No, I don't eat nuts."

"Oh, then can I interest you in some peas?"

"Peas make me poop"

"How about some soda?"

"I'm watching my weight"

"Lettuce?"

"I don't eat trees"

"How about"

"I don't want anything?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"Positive?"

"Yes"

She then screeched and pointed at him as saliva flew at her mouth.

"HA HA ONLY FOOLS ARE POSITIVE!"

She then poured peanuts all over him and ran off with the cart. He noted next time he would take a boat. He went back to sleep and had an odd dream. He was eating peanuts. He woke up to the shaking of the plane and the intercom came up.

"Ahhhh. . . This is your Capitan speaking and were having a bit of problem with the other pilot, apparently from his 30 years of flying he found out he was afraid of heights and puked all over the controls and our death is imminent, have a nice day"

The intercom went off and he ran to where the parachutes were and found out that all of them were taken, knowing that was going to die he wanted to go out with a KAPOW. So he opened the door and a bunch of people flew out and he jumped out. He did some super cool tricks yo and then seen Bugs Bunny falling next to him.

"What's up doc?"

"Do you have an extra parachute?"

"Yeah I do"

Bugs handed one to him. Then Wesker remembered how this ended, the parachute would really be a tire.

"HEY! This isn't really a tire is it?"

"Oh noooo, it's really a parachute"

"How can I trust you?"

"I'm Bugs come on now, everyone trusts me"

"OK!"

Wesker opened the parachute was actually an anvil. He fell twice as fast and Bugs the finger; Bugs tried to as well but noticed that he has 4 fingers. Wesker closed his eyes and his life flashed before his eyes. He shut his eyes as the ground came close to him and he screamed as tears fell out his eyes. Then he hit the ground and died.

_Meanwhile_

The boss felt a power going thin and then it grinned and clasped its fingers together and started to laugh. It laughed until one of the soldiers came in and yelled.

"BOSS! Are you okay?"

"Of course you fool"

"Oh, well I assumed you were going insane because you never laugh. . . "

"Right, and how did you hear me from all the way over there?"

The soldier pulled of his helmet to reveal his large elf like ears.

"Oh, you're a leprechaun?"

"Naw, I just have big ears"

"Right, well go away"

The soldier nodded and flapped his ears as he flew out the room.

**Notes**

_This is not the last chapter_

_I referred to the boss as "It" because I couldn't reveal if "It" was a male of female_

_I like poontang_


	10. Heaven

It was cold, so cold. He opened his eyes and stood up, white stuff falling from his sides. (Not that white stuff perverts.) He shuddered and looked around, a lot of white stuff and it looked like clouds. Could this be heaven? He thought this and heard a lot of people say it was like this, they didn't mention that it was going to be cold or anything. He looked to left and right and seen a mountain. He started to climb up the hillside to get to the top so he could see a better view. He got to the top and seen a body of water along with a batch of penguins. He didn't know penguins and humans shared the same heaven. He went down the hill and towards the penguins, the penguins eyed him and then they flapped their wings and flew away. Now, he couldn't put his finger on it, but while he watched them fly away something wasn't right…He felt a hand tap his shoulder and jumped. He turned around to see a rather small person and heavily clothed. Wesker cocked a brow.

"Hey are you god?"

The Eskimo just stared at him and shook his head.

"Oh, can you speak?"

"Yes"

"Who are you?"

"Edward, who are you?"

"Wesker"

The Eskimo pulled down its hood and revealed his TRUE SELF. Wesker's face went blue. The Eskimo has one of the ugliest faces Wesker done ever seen; sadly Wesker has never looked into a mirror. Wesker then burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Noothing"

Wesker then giggled like a little school girl. The pig faced Edward shook his head and walked away.

"Hey wait!"

Edward stopped and turned around.

"What?"

"I have no place to stay, may I come with you?"

Edward thought

"Sure, come on"

Wesker followed happily.

_Meanwhile_

The soldier continued to flap his ears, magically flying out of the boss's room. He wondered why the boss wanted to get rid of Wesker so bad. Wesker seemed like an idiot, at least to him. The soldier then instantly died from not looking straight and hitting a ceiling fan. The soldiers below him had a fiesta and ate his remaining body parts, sombrero hats and Macarena for everyone. A DJ stand appeared on the stage and one of the soldiers ripped on it while blood and gut bits fell upon everyone, another soldier jumped on another and started to gnaw on his head, pulling out his skull and digging his hands into his brain, pulling bits out and chewing into it. Others jumped onto him and started to feed on him. The boss looked through the window, looking at all of this, such idiots it thought to itself. Soon enough the soldiers started to have a massive orgy with blood and sperm and doo-doo. The boss sat back in its chair and looked through the window outside, grinning as the sun set.

( Yes I realized that was pointless, or was it? Stay tuned don't miss it )

_Back to Wesker_

Edward stopped and reached into his pocket, taking out a remote with an antenna and one large red button.

"Ooooo, I WANT TO PRESS IT" Said Wesker eagerly

Edward just looked at him, snow falling down and wind blowing in his hair all anime-esque.

"No" Edward said coldly

"Why not?"

"Cause you might break it"

"No I won't!"

He sighed and handed it to him. Wesker took it and jumped up and down a bit like a widdle school girl. He pressed the button and his finger went right through the remote and it crumbled in his hands, falling into pieces into the snow. Edward grit his teeth and pulled out a bit of his hair and screamed at the top of his lungs. He panted and looked at Wesker with a twitchy eye. Wesker tilted his head as a cracking sound came into place, little did they know that there were right below a hill, piled with snow. Edward clenched his teeth together and a crack ran onto his two front teeth. The snow started to fall down real fast; thankfully the place they were standing on was steep. Edward pressed a button on his batman utility belt and a sled appeared out of nowhere. Wesker and Edward hopped on it and so did Alphonse. Ed and Wesker turned around looking at the metal child.

"What?" said Alphonse

Ed pushed the metal dude off and pushed down the hill. The snow came up behind them fast; Ed used his l33t steering skills to dodge trees, snowmen and other things. They hit a penguin and it exploded, feathers flying everywhere. Edward squinted his eyes and gasped, they were heading straight for a cliff. Wesker covered his eyes and they went over the cliff, it was a pretty long way down and they fell. The sled went right above their heads as they fell, Wesker looked down, his glasses flying off his head. He started to do cartwheels and stuff. Edward looked to him and did a back flip, Wesker growled and did a 360 front flip. Edward did a. Then they finally landed into the snow, thankfully it was deep. Wesker hopped out his hole and helped Ed out of his.

"Hey can you get me back to earth? I have some unfinished business to attend to" Said Wesker, cracking his knuckles trying to be cool.

"This isn't heaven, this is the North Pole"

Ed pointed to a pole with stripes. Wesker walked over to it with him.

"If you sit here long enough you'll do a 360" Said Ed taking a seat.

Wesker took a seat next to him and waited.

_6 months later_

Wesker noticed he did move a bit.

_6 more months later_

"My butt is cold" Wesker said

Ed stood up and wiped the snow off his arse. He then whistled loudly and something started to rise in the snow, it was quite large too. Wesker had a hard time standing on his feet and fell down. He looked up as the snow went off the figure; it was a blue whale, quite large actually. He stood up and looked at it in awe.

"This is my transportation around the world, you can use it to go to wherever you want, just make sure you bring it back" Ed said with a nod, taking a bite out of his jerky.

Wesker nodded and climbed onto the whale, settling atop its head. Then it started to rise into the air magically and flew to wherever Wesker wanted. He looked down and waved to Ed. Ed did the same and waited for him to get out of his view.

"Peace at last" Ed then sat down and tried to find two snowflakes that are exactly alike.


End file.
